Even though I don’t know what is going to come out, or if I will even end up posting this.
I know for a fact that I’ll never be as profound or quotable as I would usually expect of someone else posting something lengthy and inherently “emotional”, so I don’t know whether I have the confidence that anyone other than me will find it even remotely useful, but here goes anyway.
It’s been a difficult year or three. I’ve spent most of my conscious time wrestling with bipolar disorder, self-harm, eating disorders etc., which doesn’t make for the most productive or enjoyable life, but I’m doing as good as I can remember, so I feel a little more open to being a little more open.
It’s taken this long, but I think I may even be getting to a point where life feels - to a very small, but noticeable extent - like it could evolve into something more than a haphazard management of unpredictable and unpleasant symptoms. It sounds dramatic, but when it’s perpetually at the back of your mind perspective is the rarest asset to come across. It’s like being stuck in a dark hall with lots of doors leading to other dark halls. It gets tiring feeling around in the dark all your life.
But I’ve just ended a course of therapy which has been incredibly helpful for pinpointing signs and coping with the feelings I can’t manage as well as other, normal people can. Along with this I have adjusted to the many pills I need to take which, I’m told, are pretty vital to keeping my shit together on a long term basis, which in itself is kind of awful.
You hear so many stories about people who feel like they’ve “lost themselves” and other stuff, all because of their medication. But the truth is that I don’t really remember what I was like before the pills, so I don’t really know what I am or am not missing. I am pretty scared of getting too curious because without them it’s entirely possible that I go completely insane again, which nobody wants.
Regardless, I need to at least try to continue on the road I’m on, because if there is even the smallest chance that I can begin to think about what I consider the basic fundamentals of the human experience - love, success/achievements, social normality - with a bit more optimism and ambition, then I’ll take the shit out of it.
Saying that, I’ve got no idea if I will, or can even reach that point. There are complex webs of feelings that go with those things, and marrying them up with the even more complex webs of feelings that are already completely gunking up my head seems impossible. It only takes an unwelcome flashback to a bad night or a horror story you read about someone killing themselves, or, even worst, living to see their life fall apart, and it can strike the fear of God into you. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the point where I can make a significant commitment to anything, because at the back of my mind I know that I should come with a giant warning label plastered across my face. I have the capacity to fuck up pretty much anything beyond repair given an opportunity, however small, to fall off of the tightrope.
And I worry that that’s how I will go through life. Like I mentioned, I feel as good now as I can remember since I became an adult, but I am still living under the shadow I’ve created for myself.
I still consider the darker part of my brain like an appendix. It isn’t good for anything, and doesn’t serve any tangible purpose; all it does is sit there, biding its time before it flares up and kills me, and there’s nothing I can do to stop, change or predict it.
I know, I know. How defeatist of me. But I’m not afraid to feel like I’ve earned a bit of cynicism.
So there you go. That’s a bit of what it’s like to be me, not that you asked.
Hopefully I will be able to come back with something positive at some point in the future. Actually, I really hope that I don’t have to come back at all.
But as I said, sometimes it helps just to write. Maybe I’ll even take the leap and post this.